Captain Conundrum's Ramble

Hello I'm Anthony.




Skills to Pay the Bills

You ever have people on LinkedIn endorse you for skills you don’t have, or didn’t realize you had?  I’m so good at so many things that I never even knew existed!  


Tomorrow is my birthday.  Looking back, I was thinking of all the things I’ve learned the hard way on my birthday such as “the brake is on the left”.  That was a close one.


I was out at the bar one night and couldn’t help but hit on my buddy’s girl’s friend visiting from Brazil.  They told me to ease off but I knew I was wearing her down and could totally get her by the end of the night.  I was wrong, and it turns out that copious amounts of alcohol will not allow you to speak Portuguese.

What a Boy Scout

Ladies, if you start dating a guy and he claims that he does not watch porn, he’s not an angel, he’s a liar.

Setting Records

A couple years ago I was out at the bar with some buddies, getting drunk, having fun, and couldn’t get a girl to TALK to me for anything.  While walking around town and debating the next bar to stop at I said I was going into the local college hangout.  I told the two guys I was with, fuck it I’m going in and am going to get some 21 year old tonight.  They came along to laugh at my attempts and a couple hours later I was back at my place with a 21 year old. I set a record that night with her, and it was 13 times!  Never had a stranger vomit in my apartment so many times in my life.

American Idol

On my 25th birthday I was out at a packed bar with a small group of friends and learned that screaming “FIRE!” is the second quickest way to clear a room.  My karaoke is the first.  

Indian Burn

There’s few things as fun as actively engaging in adult activities with a person of the opposite sex, and there’s no inanimate object I’ve tried sticking my dick into that even comes close to the touch of a woman.  They’re alluring, they’ll tease you to the point where you’ll do nearly anything for them to make contact, and they’ll make you feel like nothing you’ve ever felt before.  Then, when you’re all hot and bothered, they’ll grab your throbbing piece and perform the only thing you can do better than they can.

People Watching

People Watching is just a nice way of saying that you enjoy ridiculing strangers while being a lazy piece of shit while sitting on a bench.  It’s my favorite sport. 

Calm, Cool, and Collected

The other day I was driving through Manhattan, like most days, and coming up to one of the avenues I had nobody in front of me and a green light I was ABSOLUTELY going to make.  So some asshole pedestrian, being the entitled businessperson piece of shit that they were, walked right in front of my car with their arm extended stiffly and staring me in the eyes as they walked in front of my green light.  This, naturally, caused me to slow down to a near halt and get downright infuriated.  I wanted to scream, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY ASSHOLE, YOU’RE NOT MAGNETO, YOU’RE NOT KEEPING MY CAR FROM HITTING YOU WITH THAT FLIMSY ARM OF YOURS!”  But saner heads prevailed, and I didn’t yell about how their confidence couldn’t keep them from being hit.  Then I proved it to him.  

Dirty Jersey

I may not have grown up here, but I do live in the Garden State (New Jersey) and am self-aware enough to know I just naturally look somewhat like an asshole-douche bag to some people. That being said, I also work out. Living in the land of yuppies and meat heads, my gym can get like Webster Hall if Daft Punk showed up (sorry for the local reference). So when my wonderful gym gets to that shoulder-to-shoulder point, and I can’t stand to leave without getting something done, I head to the part of the gym that’s never crowded in Guidoville and work on legs.

Fountain of Youth

I was at the gym today and there was a woman working out that just blew me away when I saw her. She was in her mid to late 50s, cougar some may say, wearing just a sports bra and tiny gym shorts, exposing her near-six pack and the rest of her defined body. And her face and neck….DAMN. Haggard.

Big Gulp

I was dropping a lovely lady off at the Port Authority Bus Station one Sunday afternoon and walked by a very well endowed woman breast feeding her infant. No blanket over her, no shield, just massive left tit spilling over her tank top with a baby mouth at the end like a leech. It looked like the baby was being attacked by an overfilled water balloon. Uncontrollably staring at this womans boob in utter stupor, I couldn’t help but think “God please don’t let a baby ruin my future wife’s boobs.”

Nobody Likes a Snitch

There’s a sign on a highway perpetually filled with assholes that I drive on regularly that states, “Report Aggressive Driving” followed by a phone number.  Perfect example of the New Jersey Department of Transportation promoting the usage of the phone, while the New Jersey State Police are hanging out just down the road ready to peg you in the ass for a few hundred dollars and a handful of points on your license.  We pay for the DOT to fix our roads.  They promote safe driving by encouraging us to snitch on assholes who shouldn’t be driving.  While driving.  Causing us to lose focus on the task at hand (driving your own damn car) and recklessly veering back and forth halfway out and darting back into our lanes where we find that we’ve in fact became that exact asshole we were initially reporting!


It was a random Friday at the bar down at the end of town, as we were playing pool on the run down billiards table that’s seen more action than most rodeo clowns.  We’ve all been drinking for a few hours and my current belligerently shitfaced opponent, a friend of a friend, was rapidly losing interest in our game of 8-ball.  Completely ignoring me, I lightly ball-tapped him (100% inappropriate, but in my tipsy state couldn’t get his attention any other way, and that was my solution) figuring he’d get the point, maybe be a little disgruntled, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world.  To put it lightly, things escalated, and he was in my face instantly threatening, “IF YOU WEREN’T <mutual friend’s> FRIEND I WOULD FUCKING BREAK YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FACE.  YOU FUCKING FAGGOT, YOU PRETTY BOY, I WOULD FUCK YOU IN THE ASS.”  I stood there and didn’t budge with his face so close I could taste the Coors Light, refusing to back down, mentally prepping myself for the multitude of things that might happen, and completely unsure if I should be ready to throw a punch or protect my anal cavity.