Captain Conundrum's Ramble

Hello I'm Anthony.

Dream On

I don’t trust people with dream catchers, particularly when hanging from their rearview mirror.

Doesn’t Mean a Thing

I used to have a girlfriend that DESPISED the fact that I watched porn.  It made her cringe at the thought of me yanking at my rock hard appendage while watching another girl get her brains fucked out of her to coax that baby batter out of me.  Along with that, she felt insulted that I would have to resort to watching adult features and jerking off opposed to waiting for the once-a-week we were able to fuck.  I thought this was ridiculous, particularly considering how horny of a person I am, and inevitibly turned into one of the handful of reasons we broke up.  This view from women is, as I’ve discovered from many facets, relatively common, and I’ve found some that even consider it cheating!

I’m writing this to say that if it wasn’t for porn, most relationships would never last.  HEAR ME OUT, HEAR ME OUT.  Guys inherintely want to fuck as many women as possible.  It’s a natural instinct that’s just in our blood.  Whether it has to do with an animalistic yearn to reproduce and help our legacy live on, or as simple as “I have to cum, I have to cum, I have to cum.”  I don’t know the psychology behind it.  Whatever the specific reason is, guys want to fuck a lot of different girls.  ALL THE DAMN TIME.  Ladies, don’t take this as some sort of insult, or get all self conscience about something like this because those feelings are trivial.  Just because your man looks at the slutty girl at the bar doesn’t mean he wants to be with her, or doesn’t love you, it simply means he wants to fuck her.  Plain and simple.  And believe me, it’s not as bad as it sounds.  There isn’t even anything else to it!  He doesn’t want to talk to her, take her to dinner, meet her family, or even see her after that.  It’s just a simple “Damn she’s hot I want to fuck her brains out” quick blip through the brain.  It’s irrelevant.  That being said and to bring my short little explanation full circle, porn allows guys to mentally fuck any type of chick he wants at any time (even more so with smart phones, but gentlemen, I’d be careful on where I whipped my piece out if I were you, it’s not always welcome).  He saw that nerdy chick with the glasses, that promiscuous looking MILF, or maybe that foreign girl at the grocery store and wondered what it’d be like.  Whichever it may be, all he has to do is go on his preferred website and find that “genre” of porn (if you will), crank out a batch of potential Einsteins and he’s done. The thought of fucking some other chick that you’d be appalled over is out of his head.

Fuck like animals, and do it like you mean it because no guy is going to choose watching strangers fuck for the millionth time over a beautiful, confident, exquisite temptress that’s about to rock his world. 

Busy Bee

A couple months ago work was pretty slow, and my motivation was REALLY fading that week.  I knew I had things I could have worked on but couldn’t bring myself to do it, mostly because I had way too much time to work on it. Deadlines really are a big motivator.  So I continued my day with an article on productivity.  

United Postal Service

Last week I had to pick up my Amazon package from the UPS pick-up location because the delivery guy never shows up when I’m home.  It’s not his fault, I’m never home, but it’s a pain in the dick.  So I drive the 15 minutes over there, see there’s a line forming, (kind of sloppy, but clearly a line) and stand at the end of it.  A few more people show up and get in line, no big deal.  Then some Mexican with a couple of kids walks right by the line and stands right in front of the door, completely ignoring the people that have showed up and are waiting for the UPS pick up people to open their doors.  The guy was speaking Spanish to his kids who were around 10-12 years old, and completely ignored the other patrons that got there earlier to get their packages and get out as quickly as possible.  A couple more people show up, and get in line.  THEN, this fucking cunt walks RIGHT PAST THE LINE and right up to the front like the Mexican guy.  She wasn’t foreign, she was black.  And I heard her talk, and she was from the area.  SHE KNOWS WHAT A FUCKING LINE IS.  Couple more people get in the back of the line, they didn’t have a problem figuring it out.  Then some Albanian-esque guy rolls up RIGHT TO THE FRONT AGAIN.  So now there’s an ameba of people standing in front with a tail of people lined up behind them.  I’m silently losing my shit.  So I get there 25 minutes before it opens to be sure I can get in and out as quickly as possible, and these three fucktards just walk right up like they’re God’s gift to the world.  FUCK THESE PEOPLE, AND FUCK YOU IF YOU’RE LIKE THEM.  Despite this little occurrence, I didn’t say a word because I’m a white guy in my 20s and each one of these self-entitled pieces of shit were anything but white.  So in case you don’t live in this world, that would mean that anything I do or say is wrong, and I’m instantly a racist for pointing out these people being assholes.  I fucking hate them, and it’s not because they aren’t white.  I could give a fuck what shade you are, or where you come from, but fuck you if you think you’re better than everyone else, or your time is more valuable. 

If I typed this last week when it happened I probably would have smashed the keys inward due to my over-the-top rage-filled shitfit that I was kicking.  My father asked why can’t I just be calm, be happy, and all that bullshit.  Because I’m sick of these fucking people with zero respect for anybody else.  WHO TREATS A TOTAL STRANGER LIKE SHIT??  I may be an asshole, but when I am, I assure you that it’s not for no reason.  I also may have some anger issues.  Debatable.

Problem Solver

I love driving in the carpool lane.  It’s usually moving better than all the other lanes, and people don’t go in and out so much.  This wouldn’t be a big deal if I didn’t drive by myself so often, and have to pay extra special attention for coppers.  This is why I’ve decided that the next car I’m going to buy will solve all my problems - a hearse.

Travel

When I’m driving: “STAY ON THE FUCKING SIDEWALK ASSHOLE!”

When I’m walking: “FUCK YOU, I HAVE THE ‘WALK’ SIGN ASSHOLE!”

Skills to Pay the Bills

You ever have people on LinkedIn endorse you for skills you don’t have, or didn’t realize you had?  I’m so good at so many things that I never even knew existed!  

Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Looking back, I was thinking of all the things I’ve learned the hard way on my birthday such as “the brake is on the left”.  That was a close one.

Persistance

I was out at the bar one night and couldn’t help but hit on my buddy’s girl’s friend visiting from Brazil.  They told me to ease off but I knew I was wearing her down and could totally get her by the end of the night.  I was wrong, and it turns out that copious amounts of alcohol will not allow you to speak Portuguese.

What a Boy Scout

Ladies, if you start dating a guy and he claims that he does not watch porn, he’s not an angel, he’s a liar.

Setting Records

A couple years ago I was out at the bar with some buddies, getting drunk, having fun, and couldn’t get a girl to TALK to me for anything.  While walking around town and debating the next bar to stop at I said I was going into the local college hangout.  I told the two guys I was with, fuck it I’m going in and am going to get some 21 year old tonight.  They came along to laugh at my attempts and a couple hours later I was back at my place with a 21 year old. I set a record that night with her, and it was 13 times!  Never had a stranger vomit in my apartment so many times in my life.

American Idol

On my 25th birthday I was out at a packed bar with a small group of friends and learned that screaming “FIRE!” is the second quickest way to clear a room.  My karaoke is the first.  

Indian Burn

There’s few things as fun as actively engaging in adult activities with a person of the opposite sex, and there’s no inanimate object I’ve tried sticking my dick into that even comes close to the touch of a woman.  They’re alluring, they’ll tease you to the point where you’ll do nearly anything for them to make contact, and they’ll make you feel like nothing you’ve ever felt before.  Then, when you’re all hot and bothered, they’ll grab your throbbing piece and perform the only thing you can do better than they can.

People Watching

People Watching is just a nice way of saying that you enjoy ridiculing strangers while being a lazy piece of shit while sitting on a bench.  It’s my favorite sport. 

Calm, Cool, and Collected

The other day I was driving through Manhattan, like most days, and coming up to one of the avenues I had nobody in front of me and a green light I was ABSOLUTELY going to make.  So some asshole pedestrian, being the entitled businessperson piece of shit that they were, walked right in front of my car with their arm extended stiffly and staring me in the eyes as they walked in front of my green light.  This, naturally, caused me to slow down to a near halt and get downright infuriated.  I wanted to scream, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY ASSHOLE, YOU’RE NOT MAGNETO, YOU’RE NOT KEEPING MY CAR FROM HITTING YOU WITH THAT FLIMSY ARM OF YOURS!”  But saner heads prevailed, and I didn’t yell about how their confidence couldn’t keep them from being hit.  Then I proved it to him.